i am neurotic.

I cannot leave the house without cough lozenges in my handbag, because I am afraid I will have a coughing fit in public that I can’t control. I once realized I had left the house without them and I started coughing uncontrollably and threw up a little in my mouth.

Whenever there is something even slightly wrong with me, like I have a rash, I will freak out and research all the diseases with that symptom because I am convinced I must have one of them.

When someone coughs or sneezes around me, I try my best to avoid that little area of floating “viruses”, even if its been minutes since the person sneezed. I would also avoid the direction of their breathing, thinking that harmful bacteria is still in their breath.

Things grouped in clusters remind me of skin diseases and utterly creep me out. This can include rain drops on a window, leaves fallen on the ground, etc. One day years ago my brother took a marker and covered his hand with dots, and I couldn’t even speak to him. It’s still an awful thing to remember!

I am extremely afraid of cauliflower. If it touches other food i’m eating, I won’t eat it. I even get sick to my stomach looking at it. it started in high school when I saw pictures of different STDs in health class and the teacher described them as “cauliflower-like growths.”

I don’t read the side effects of any medicines I take because if I do, I’ll be paranoid that they’ll happen.

Whenever I have to drink from someone’s water bottle, I make sure that my lips don’t touch the rim of the bottle’s mouth. I tilt my head backwards, place the bottle a few inches above my mouth, and let the water pour. Many people have chastised me over the awkward situation, but I don’t care. Not that I’m cynical of the person’s health, it’s actually me worried that I might contaminate them. That’s even if I have a clean bill of health.

Every time I poop I have to take a minute to look at it before flushing. It’s kinda gross, but I’m terrified that I’ll poop blood or something and not know that I did and die because I missed the symptom.

I have to close my eyes whenever I flush the toilet because otherwise tiny little poop particles that are flying through the air will get in my eyes and I’ll get pinkeye.

I have to breathe out whenever I read the word “cancer” until I look away from it, otherwise I’m afraid it will enter my life and get me or someone I love. You wouldn’t BELIEVE how many times the word “cancer” shows up every day. It’s exhausting.