i am neurotic.

Ever since I was a young child, I could never use lipstick. I had this irrational fear that somehow I would accidentally eat it. To this day I can still not apply lipstick directly but if I use it I must put it on my finger and dab it on.

When I was in elementary school, I heard some myth that if you put your shoes together next to your bed, it allows evil spirits and ghosts, and bad luck to get at you. But if you put your shoes facing opposite directions, it confuses them and they can’t get you. So now every time I go to bed, I HAVE to make sure that my shoes are facing different directions in order to even lie down.

I’m convinced that the reason I can’t get a date is because my nail polish is chipped. My nail polish is chipped because I compulsively pick at my cuticles and nails. I compulsively pick at my cuticles and nails because I’m constantly worrying that I’ll die surrounded by cats, after a dateless life due to chipped nail polish.

Every time I have company over, I get really scared that my house has some sort of bad smell that I can’t smell because I’m used to it. I’m always lighting candles or burning incenses hoping that people will say my house smells nice and calm my fears.

I am terrified of having my ankles slit – totally irrationally. This has led to a fear of people behind me. I always have to stand with my back to a wall so I can see everyone in the room. No one can open doors for me, because I can’t have them walk behind me. I pretend I’m a feminist – but really I just don’t trust them!

I can’t eat the first bite out of a banana or a cucumber…someone else has to take the first bite, or cut it off for me with a knife. I am convinced that if I do eat it, it will turn into a snake and eat its way out of my stomach.

I once heard that department store mirrors are 2 way, so security can watch to make sure you’re not stealing. Since then, I will always pick out one extra garment, the largest dress or skirt I can find, and hang it in front of the mirror before I undress. Then I try on clothes, only removing the garment over the mirror when I am “decent.”

I always wear a bike helmet when cycling. Not because I am afraid of injuring my head, but for fear that if I end up in a hospital the doctor will not try and save me if I wasn’t wearing a helmet.

I must wear sunscreen every day (sunny or not), and every night too. Otherwise, my face will get wrinkled and old in a few hours.

When I go to a movie I can have anything in my pockets, period. Otherwise I am distracted thoughout the whole movie that something is going to fall out. So I often find odd things to put all my valuables in, because I definitely don’t think of this ahead of time.